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| I have grown increasingly
paranoid that people I don't like are reading my Xanga and attempting
to use its contents to bring me down. Because of this, I have
changed journals. Those of you who I am close with will get the
new one. Anyone else who is interested; just ask and I shall
decide if you are worthy.
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| I don't feel like being original today. Instead, I'm going to
take five incredibly diverse songs with lyrics I relate to and let you
all read them and see what is running through Sloane's mind.
"Only God Knows Why" - Kid Rock
I've been sittin' here trying to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin' for the payback
Listen to the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
It helps to pass the time
I take too many pills
It helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills
Still I feel the same
Everyone knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Outstreched hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know 'bout the things I say and do
They don't undertstand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone
I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all the things I've missed
Oh, somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine
No, I ain't seen mine
I've been givin', just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking that thin line
So I think I'll keep on walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on
Only God knows why
"Free" - The Martinis
Omnipresent phrase in my mind
Spoken word I've said one million times
Who are you to tell me it will always be this way?
I close my eyes and I turn around
And leave it all behind
So free for the moment
Lost because I want to be lost
Don't try to find me
Always tried to breeze through my life
Repetitious things I've done one million times
Who are you to tell me it will always be this way?
I close my eyes and I turn around
And leave it all behind
So free for the moment
Lost because I want to be lost
Don't try to find me
So free
"Amphetamine" - Everclear
She came out west to find the sun
She lost her name, but found a new one
Amy goes to school all day
But at night in the neighborhood
They call her amphetamine
She's perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines seem to want to glorify these days
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like she used to be happy
With the girl inside
She looks so bored sometimes
With that super fair skin and those soft green eyes
She looks like she could have been happy in another life
She came out west just to break away clean
From her family and her friends
Just a little girl's dream
All she wants to every night
Is sit beside my window and listen to the sirens
She's perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines seem to want to glorify these days
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like she used to be happy
With the girl inside
She came out west just to break the spell
After three long years in a marriage from hell
Six months clean living sober and right
The doctors tell her everything will be alright
Yeah, you just take your pill
And everything will be alright
Just take your pill
Everything will be alright
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like a magazine girl
She looks like a teenage anthem
Like she used to be happy in another world
Met her at a party and I took her home
She is the saddest girl that I have ever known
She wakes me up in the middle of the night
Just to tell me everything will be alright
Amy smiles at me and tells me everything will be alright
I tell myself the same damn thing
Everyday
Everything will be alright
"The Sun" - Maroon 5
After school
Walking home
Fresh dirt under my fingernails
And I can smell hot asphalt
Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past
And sometimes it's a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun
Moving on down the street
I see people I won't ever meet
Think of her, take a breath
Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps
And sometimes it's a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun
The rhythm of her conversation
The perfection of her creation
The sex she slipped into my coffee
The way she felt when she first saw me
Hate to love and love to hate her
Like a broken record player
Back and forth and here and gone
And on and on and on and on......
"A Fond Farewell" - Elliot Smith
The Litebrite's now black and white
Cause you took apart a picture that wasn't right
Pitch burning on a shining sheet
The only maker that you'd want to meet
A dying man in a living room
Trying to get to the door
God knows what for
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend
He said, 'Really I just want to dance'
Good and evil matched perfect
It's a great romance
I can deal with some psychic pain
If it'll slow down my higher brain
Veins full of disappearing ink
Vomitting in the kitchen sink
Disconnecting from the missing link
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend
I see you're leaving me
And taking up with the enemy
The cold comfort of the in between
A little less than a human being
A little less than a happy high
A little less than a suicide
The only things that you really tried
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
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| I apologize in advance to the few of you who actually read this. My last few entries have been nothing but pity parties for myself. So you probably won't be surprised when this one follows suit.
I still feel shitty. My bronchitis symptoms have gotten much better, but I still have a lingering cough and general achiness. Because my midterms are next week-- and so much hinges on the results of those exams-- I have developed horrible stomach pains. We all know that I have a nervous, queasy tummy and have been diagnosed with severe anxiety. The Xanax [for anxiety] helps me significantly....but if I take it, it relaxes me to the point where I am borderline drowsy and have no desire to anything whatsoever. In short, it's not something you want to take when you are trying to prepare for a week of very important tests.
Like every other student taking midterms or finals, this is going to be hell week. I anticipate all-nighters at CK's, tons of coffee, and maybe even some Adderall. Oh wait, scratch the Adderall. I have been consistently fucked over in that department, so I give up. I cannot stand it when people tell you they will do something for you and then change their mind. Maybe they won't even tell you they've changed their mind; they'll just ignore you. What's worse than either of those, is people who hold things over your head, allowing their opinions/attitudes to fluctuate based on how they feel about you or what is going on in their own life. And I'm not just talking about Adderall or any other type of "bad stuff"-- I am referring to any type of situation where this happens. If you tell somebody you are going to do something, do it. If for whatever reason you can't do it, don't avoid them. Give somebody the respect and dignity of being honest so they are not sitting around wondering and waiting on something that won't happen. Finally, anyone who uses something to hold over your head....that's just plain wrong. Let it go or move on.
I really need to stop complaining. There are lots of things in my life I have to be happy about. I have a wonderful boyfriend who cares immensely for me. I have some truly incredible friends. My parents are the best. I love writing, reading, and watching films that move me. However, it's not just the people or the hobbies that are important.....there is beauty, love, and hope all around. Sometimes it's a special moment and you are the only one experiencing it. Sometimes it's something that has been there all along and you've never taken the time to slow down and observe it.
I felt beauty today when I saw a crisp blue sky without a cloud in sight and felt the cool autumn [but not too cold] breeze tickling my face. The sun was out, but it was playing peek-a-boo behind the clouds. I could feel the warmth of it, yet it wasn't oppresively hot or blinding me the way it has been the past few days. It was beautiful and serene. I felt love today when a little girl looked at me during my breakfast at IHOP and gave me a huge smile and waved...despite the fact she was sitting across the restaurant for me and had no idea who I was. I felt hope today when I analyzed both of these occurances. Nature is a beautiful and unpredictable force that inspires so many private moments-- moments where you feel you connect with your environment and your physical world. As for the girl, she has her entire life ahead of her. Her future is a blank slate. Yet she had a cheerful attitude that enabled her to smile--and make the day of--a complete stranger. The only thing that is constant in life is that it is never constant...but there is always hope.
Haha I just complained myself into making statements that belong on a Hallmark card, not my Xanga. Silly bipolar Sloane. ;) | | |
| I AM SO FUCKING ANNOYED. I am probably going to fail school; I wish I could just start this semester over. I've already had to drop a class. I feel like a stupid idiot. And them classes I do have left? I've missed so many of them and I am running out of excuses. The work is piling up and I am beyond stressed.
I wanted to spend lots of time working on school today. But that didn't happen. I have a horrible cold. My cough has gotten down into my lungs. My throat is on fire. I've lost my voice. My head is stuffy. I ache all over. I feel like shit.
But I was still prepared to work. I even had an Adderall connection. Yet that fell through. I still haven't heard from him. I don't get it: you can walk into sketchy clinics and get Phentermine to lose weight. You can get Xanax bars like they are candy. No Adderall. I''m sorry if I am lazy and depressed and have no motivation to do anything on my own. So sue me. I just want a steady, reliable hookup who is always supplied. Is that too much to ask? Really.
I am in a horrible mood. I am over school. I am over stress. I am over my depression and mood swings. So over it.
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| I'm starting to feel like a
complete waste. A complete waste with no future. A complete waste
with no future who has many "friends" who are backstabbing, unreliable,
shady, and absolutely nothing like me. Of course not all my
friends are like this, and I cherish the ones who are not. Sadly,
a great number of my true friends live thousands of miles away...and
that just sucks. I'll discuss friends first:
Backstabbing is nothing new,
especially amongst girls. I consider backstabbing to be anything
from saying nasty things about people when they are not around to
sleeping with your friend's significant other to harming the reputation
of someone close to you. Oftentimes it is an unexpected
slap-in-the-face, yet that doesn't make it hurt any less. And it
certainly does wonders for your abilities to trust people when a
so-called friend betrays you.
Unreliable and shady can be lumped into the same category. You
know the friend who always cancels plans, won't answer their phone when
you call, and always has twenty million excuses to explain their
flakiness-- that's not cool. Friendship is a two way
street. If you cry on someone's shoulder and ask for their
advice, yet you are nowhere to be found when the roles are reversed,
you are not being a good friend. Most unreliable people are
indeed shady, but shady goes beyond just being flaky. Shady
people just have something "off" about them. Maybe they're lying
or witholding information from you. Maybe they are using you and
want something you have. Maybe they've gotten into
self-destructive and illegal behaviors and want you to go down with
them. If you have a bad feeling about any of the above mentioned
types; trust your intution. No good can possibly come if you have
people such as these tainting your life.
The last category isn't a "bad" friend, persay. No two people are
alike; everyone has their own ideas, personalities, interests,
viewpoints, etc. There is nothing wrong with having a wide
variety of friends who are very different from you. I guess I
just feel lonely. Very few of my friends share my interests, and
after awhile, that gets old. I wish there were more people out
there who enjoy the things I like to do, the music I listen to, and had
more things in common with me. I think it's time to sever ties
with certain people and constantly be on the lookout for people worthy
of my coolnesss.
Now, for the first part of my statement: I feel like I have not made
the most of my time on this planet and I am scared shitless about what
the future holds. I am a junior in college. A junior!
I will graduate from college in the spring of next year. I feel
like my future is coming at me 90,000 miles per hour. My heart is
set on going to law school. I have the grades for it, and I plan
on my grades to continually get better. But before I can go to
law school, I have to pass the Bar. For those of you not familiar
with it, it is an extremely difficult test that you must take and pass
in order to gain admission to law school. If you fail it, you are
allowed to retake it, but only once. My cousins advised me to
start studying ASAP. I'm getting really scared...
Even if I pass the Bar and make stellar grades, law schools want to see
extracurricular involvement. When I spent my Freshman year at Ole
Miss, I wrote regularly for the newspaper. I did an internship my
first semester of Sophomore year, which is impressive. But this
is the second semester I have attended U of M and I have yet to get
involved with a single extra-curricular! That is my goal this
week: get involved. I would love to do Mock Trial, Model UN, and
join the Pre Law Society. I also think I am eligible for the
nationwide English Honor Society, so I'll have to check into
that. Sloane is stressed.
I feel disappointed in myself. I used to do so many wonderful and
productive things, both for myself and other people. I had dreams
and aspirations. I still do, but if you asked me three years ago
where I saw myself ....wow. Things definitely changed. In
high school, I was the superstudent. My grades were excellent, I
was captain of a winning Mock Trial team that I created myself at the
last minute [winning a Best Attorney award], I wrote regularly for the
school newspaper and was on the staff for the literary magazine, I did
Model UN [winning a Best Proposal award] and Youth Legislature each
year, I was in the Multi-Cultural Student Association, was a Bridge
Builder [city-wide diversity program], did technical theatre [if not
for Erika and I, there would not have been lights, sounds, movies,
power points, or any type of special effects for assemblies and morning
convocation], was in the History Club, Ascensus Society [for those with
100+ service hours], volunteered regularly, was a Rodgers Scholar
[special fellowship for a small group of students to explore community
and leadership], swam on the swim team for a year, and participated in
Peace Jam [students committed to peace and non-violence]. Senior
year I was slated to be the editor of the school newspaper and the
Chaplain. The Chaplain was responsible for heading morning
convocation, holiday services, assembly speakers, and other special
ceremonies. My school was a "non-denomination school that was
founded on Christian values." Yes, I am agnostic. I did not
run to mock anyone's religious beliefs. I wanted to expose my
classmates to the fact that there are other faiths out there and there
are different ways to achieve spirituality and inner peace than Second
Presbyterian Church. I wanted my classmates to learn about
religions of the world other than Christianity. I wanted an
atmosphere where religion and spirituality could be discussed openly,
where nothing would be forced or offend anyone. Plus, I had some
great ideas for assembly speakers. I was overjoyed when I won the
vote by a landslide.
I'm starting to get really off track. High school was phenomenal
for me, and I had all these dreams of going to prestigious
universities. George Washington University.
Vanderbilt. Rhodes. Washington University.
Pomona. And now here I am. A girl with no involvement at
her school-- a state school that is often called "Tiger High."
Don't get me wrong; I love my school. It's sad that it has an
unfair and completely false reputation as a slacker school. Not
all classes are easy. In fact, most of mine have been challenging
and time-consuming. I have very few regrets in life. I just
never would have saw myself here.
Just because I am not at an expensive private college with rigorous
academics and an impressive list of school sponsored activities does
not make me any less of a person. I'm not stupid. I'm not
lazy. I just feel like I have been wasting time. I need to
get my act together and do something fabulous. Life is far too
short to squander away.
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